Bedlam Zen

Today, I’ve been up since 11:00am, which is pretty good for me on a Sunday.

I’ve managed a few housey thangs – but have approached all the tasks, by almost forcing myself to do them.  Current mode is a tad errr, freaky.

My partner has been out most of the day, been on the phone to a few friends, so I’ve had a banter today.  Done the forums, listened to two meaty podcasts, and have laughed a little to my current favourite show “curb your enthusiasim”.

Thought echoes are here, as well as thought broadcasting (but not as bad as when I’m out in public).  I feel a little saddened that I have lost some freedom in my life, as I’m making decisions on what I do based on avoidance of situations that cause “distress”.

Lots of defeated feelings today, but I’m trying to keep going with semblance of hope really, that I can manage – bearing in mind the above complications, that keep me on my fucked off toes.

Yes, I hate the situation I’m in, but I can’t give up on the notion that there should be some way of managing it, better then I do now.  I get this form of freaky faith in myself in an impossible situation, as the option of being crap about it, doesn’t seem to win me over I guess.  I do want to manage it – without any meds.  Its a very big step for me, after 20 years of having been ill and well.  Too many, this act in itself is crazy, but to me, I need to deal with my mind – myself.  I’m the first to pop a pill for a headache, I’m sceptic of any new age stuff of flower remedy marlarky yet I believe and trust that the human mind is so complex and undiscovered in so many ways – that science has failed in providing me with a solution – a long term solution, that will not kill me prematurely.  I need to live because: in my existance I am proving that more can be done in mental health then just pills.

I do this, cos I’m pissed with folks who I will never meet – are currently sitting on their fat arses, planning holidays abroad and living on money that they have made out of a bottom line deceit.  At the expense of quite a few people in this world.  I don’t give a hoot for another chart, statistic or over whelming majority opinion.

I needed to write this down, as it’s pretty scary doing this alone for me.  I can’t afford a shrink and all I need – most of the time, is human understanding.  I am satisfied that having this blog on the net – that on a probability scale, over the course of my lifetime.  There will be 1 person on this planet who will understand, even part of what I’m saying.  Hey, any part is good.

I’m going to have a bash with meditation, and have been procrastinating for weeks on weeks.  I’ve learnt that meditation has many benefits, including calming effects.

I feel my thoughts are pretty bunched up in my head, I don’t feel calm or relaxed.  I am very tense and find it very difficult to let go of myself.  Like the mosh pit jump – could never do it.

This bunched up crap – needs to mellow.

That’s about all I can say at the moment.

I’m going to go the waz and come back, switch on my £5.99 mp3 and meditate.  Fuck knows why this move is so fucking hard.  Silence is hard – for now.